Thursday, January 16, 2014

Its official: I'm over it!

Warning: This could get a bit long and probably a bit whiney, but I just have to vent sometimes.


Let me begin by saying that I know that life probably isn't as bad as I am most likely going to make it sound. I know that. Rationally, I know all that. But that doesn't mean that things don't get a bit rough every now and then.


Here we go:
I'm tired.
I'm tired of counting every last cent praying they will multiply.
I'm tired of telling everyone in the family "No, we can't go do (insert fun thing here) because we can't afford it"
I'm tired of having to schedule every minute of my time to make sure that there is "family time"
I'm tired of constantly telling the kids that daddy is busy or that daddy has work to do and that he doesn't have time for playing right now.
I'm tired of being home by myself with 2 small children all the time with no hope of reprieve.
Long story short: I'm just tired.

I'm also tired of feeling alone. Like I'm living on the outside of everything. Like I'm watching life happen around me. Feeling like I don't really have any friends around me.

I remember when I was in school, mostly high school but some in college too, I had people to talk to all the time. I can't even count how many times the phone would get unplugged in the middle of the night because I was still talking to my friends when I should have been long asleep.

And in college I had roommates. And we would talk for hours. It was great having those kinds of relationships. The ones where I could call just to chat, not because I needed something or any nonsense like that.

I don't know if its because I got married, or graduated college and moved out (both of which happened with in a month of each other), or what the reason but I slowly became a "lone ranger".  I didn't have anyone to just call and chat with anymore. I found most of my conversations taking place between myself and an 18 month old. Most of the time the conversations were a bit one sided.

Then when we decided to move to Texas for Seminary I began to hear all kinds of stories about how I would be making life long friends that are in the same place in life as me. People who would believe the same things I believed and support me and my family in the decisions we were making for our lives. Relationships that would be exactly like what I have wanted since I left school.

However, I'm finding that it isn't as easy as that. I mean don't get me wrong I didn't expect these types of friendships to just happen over night but I was hoping for more than what I have this far. We have been here 18 months and I still feel so disconnected. Maybe its because I don't ever really get to get out of the house. And when I do I have the kids attached to me so I'm to busy keeping track of them to really have a conversation with anyone. I just don't have the time it takes to invest in anyone so why would they want to take the time to invest in me? I hear pieces of conversations between people around the campus and I realize that they have the friendships that I want. They are invested.

So I often wonder what it is about me that has made the type of person that can't be "lets just chat" type of friend. The kind of friend that you just want to hang around with, and have inside jokes with, and be able to call at the last minute just because. The kind of friend that you want to pour your life into. Why can't I be that person?

Anyone else out there ever feel disconnected? How do you handle it?

3 comments:

  1. Just so you know, you're welcome to call me anytime, for any reason. I would LOVE to chat, to catch up, and to hear about how your world is going! I miss you, and I love you, and I really hope things start looking up very very soon. And if they don't, and you need a break for a bit, then we'll have to plan for you to come see me for a few days!

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  2. Oh Elizabeth! You spoke for me too! Except, I don't have kids but work full time and then some. I feel I just have time to come back to our apartment and continue making it a home. Before I know it, I have gone days without speaking to anyone from seminary. Then, when I do get together with other ladies that are "in the same place as me in Life", I find they have more time flexibility and have had brunch and/or gone on double dates. It's like, "did I even pop into their minds?" Yet, it's true. I have to make the effort to reach out and make sure I do pop into their heads for future activities. It's hard and frustrating. I need a "just to chat" buddy too.

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  3. You're not alone, Liz. I think motherhood ruins friendships. So many feel the way you do. Including me!

    No one wants to hear the kids in the background of have me deal with it while talking to them.

    Money? Ugh. We may have a little bit more than you, but not much. I was just freaking out about not being able to get Ben a toddler bed or railing to keep him from rolling out of bed when a wonderful friend bought a railing for his birthday. I teared to hard core.

    Your not alone. It's a loneliness pandemic. Even the people you see in churches who look like they have it all together are lonely.

    Hugs

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