Thursday, January 30, 2014

Growing Up...



I am addicted to reality TV shows. Not the crazy "Real World" or "Bachelor" type reality TV. I'm addicted to the food competition type shows.

Recently, I have locked on to The Taste. I love it. At the beginning of the season, when the contestants audition, they always talk about who they are, their age, and what they do for a living. As I watch the audition shows I see that a lot of the contestants are very close, if not exactly my age.

Its then that I start to think about how old I am. I mean I am going to be 28 next month. When do I begin to feel like I'm an adult?

I know it probably sounds silly but I honestly have times that I don't feel any different, or less confused about life I guess you could say, than I did when I was a sophomore in high school. I look back on my life and some days I wonder how I got to where I am. Not that where I am is a bad place I just don't remember growing up.

I always had this thought when I was a kid that when I became an adult I would just feel different, like I would have this confidence in myself. I thought that once I got married it would solidify my place in the adult world. And yet I still felt just as lost in my new role. Then I figured once I had my first child that the confidence would have to set in. How else was I going to raise this new little person in my life and keep him alive and well?    However, I find that I as I get older and my job titles continue to evolve I just get less and less confident in my life and my decisions. I find myself second guessing and questioning everything I do. I need someone around me to tell me that what I am doing is the right thing, no matter what it might be.

Every so often I will feel a surge of confidence and I take a step to get involved in something new or go out on a limb. And then as I begin to step out I feel as if what ever decision I make there is stepped over and undermined. So I find myself right back where I began, second guessing and feeling out of my element.

Will I ever begin to feel like I am not drowning in life? Will I ever feel like I can do things without someone holding my hand all the way through?  Is confidence in my decisions and actions always going to come with a twinge of doubt and second guesses?

I suppose only time will tell.

Anyone else ever feel this way? Please tell me I'm not alone out there.

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