Friday, September 14, 2012

Not Enough

In the three weeks that we have been here on the Southwestern Baptist Theological Campus I have attended 3 classes for the Wife of the Equiping Minster classes. A course that is designed to help prepare the future minister's wife. I have also attended a Metochi meeting, and organization made up of student and staff wives. The purpose of this ministry is also to prepare and encourage wives of future ministers. I have also attended a Southwestern Women get together called the Chocolate Connection. A two hour mixer for just the women on campus that involved chocolate and caramel dipping sauces with a variety of goodies to snack on, all for the purpose for women to have a chance to get to know one another.
Through out the course of these women's gathering I have come to one conclusion: I am not enough.

I'm not cheerful enough.
I'm not perky enough.
I'm not spiritual enough.
I'm not educated enough.
I'm not put together enough.

My hair isn't good enough.
My make up use isn't enough.
My wardrobe is definately not enough.

I find myself having a very hard time connecting with anyone around me and I realized why. I'm just not what they are looking for. I'm trying really hard to find some way to fit in but I'm realizing I'm not from the same mold as most of these women. I feel like I am going to have to really change who I am to be able to make any true connections and that scares the living day lights out of me. The last think I want to do is lose myself in the effort of becoming the "pastor's wife". But the I find myself asking, "Is there really an option at this point?"

5 comments:

  1. Please forgive this ignorant question...

    But what exactly happened to make you think your not enough?

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    1. It's not an ignorant question at all. Really, I think its more just my perception. It just seems like the ladies that are here at the Seminary, especially the ones that have been here for at least a year, have it all together. They have relationships established and its really hard to find where I might fit into any of that. It almost feels like I'm back in high school dealing with all the cliques that tend to get established.

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  2. Having it all together is overrated. You have a wonderful family, and extended family and friends who love you immensely. If the ladies there don't realize how incredibly awesome you are, you can always pick up the phone and call one of us who does. :) Changing who you are in order to fit into a mold sounds pretty Stepford-esque to me. I don't think you need to change a thing, but then, I somehow don't think I'd fit in with those ladies either. Love you a ton, and don't you ever forget it!!!

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  3. Observation from someone who knows you & cares about you: maybe let this list "settle" for a bit, then return to it & re-evaluate each item with an eye towards deciding if that specific change would really be an improvmement over who you are, or merely change for the sake of change. Then, prioritizing the ones that offer the potential for real growth or advancement, approach them as must that- a chance to grow. I believe you have it in you already to be energized & enlivened by that kind of oppoprtunity, but I also understand feeling overwhelmed by trying to take on too much at once. You don't have to rebuild the whole palace to rededicate the throne room to the new court.

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  4. I think you'd be shocked at how wrong you are. No one has it all together. It may appear they have it all together by the way they carry themselves... or the way our low self esteem perceives them. Truly, this very well may be more about how You perceive yourself then how others perceive you. I bet, in many ways, they are just as insecure as they find there way in this world.

    I hope you can find one woman you click with. That'll help a lot as you find your way amongst these new women.

    Hugs.

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