Friday, September 28, 2012

Finding "Me" Time

In the last week I have had almost no sleep. Late nights along with RaeLynn not wanting to sleep has left me a bit sleep deprived. In the process of this I have pretty much let everything go. I was doing very well with exercising everyday as soon as the kids went down for a nap. I was even down about 4 pounds. I also had the house completely under control. Ok, well not completely, but with a 2 year old and a 3 month old at least I could clean up in the evening relatively quickly. I was even having time to sit and read some while the kids were resting.

Well, this last week it all changed. With the lack of sleep I have had a serious lack of energy. With the lack of energy I have also had a lack of motivation. And with the lack of motivation I have also been a bit cranky. 

So, I got the house back in order today. I spent the day putting things back where they needed to go, getting my house, kids, and mind back to the way it was. Along with that I dug out all my scrapbooking supplies, pictures, and my passion for preserving my memories.

In the process of the day I began to realize, that even though I was exhausted, I felt better when things were cleaned up. .It was refreshing to know that when I get up in the morning I will be able to start the day fresh. I won't have to be playing catch up all day tomorrow.

I also realized that I need to take more time for myself. So starting on Monday I am starting to use the kid's nap time for me. Exercising and then some type of crafting. I'm looking forward to being able to feel like I'm doing something for me.  Stay tuned. I might even post some pictures.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Psalm of A Seminary Wife

Books I hate you
hate your claims
upon my husband
hiding there behind your covers
instead of under mine.
Who ever thought that I'd
play second fiddle to a book?

Typewriter I hate you
typing papers
typing thesis
footnotes, quotes,
Who ever thought that I'd be
to  my mate?

Apartment I hate you
hate the room
where babies
and cries
disturbing other tenants
and my huband
as he studies all the time.

Meals I hate you
hate the pennies
I am watching
as I serve
by light of candle
gourmet mararoni dishes
to my educational husband
on the run.

Joy I hate you
hate they way
my husband's growing
in his knowledge and becoming
educated more and more
while I'm tied to
stupid repetitions
rote of work.

Husband I hate you
hate your easy
expectation that I'm free from al emotion
keeping children
from commotion
so that you
can study all the time.

Tears I hate you
hate the way
you come unbidden
when he hails to hug or kiss me
and when he forgets
to pray or read the Bible unassigned

God I love you.
Are you suprised?
I know I'd be
if someone griped of situation
thought I'd planned their deprivation
when my plan
my love convieved
was for thier total good.

By: Joseph Bayly

This poem was handed out to us in my Wife of the Epuiping Minister class that I am taking on Tuesday nights.  I foud that as I read through it, even after only being here for a month, I could completely relate to the entire thing.  It also helped to remind me that even though, right now, I feel like no one out there can really understand how I'm feelling or what I'm going though I can know that there are hundreds or women that have been in my exact same position before. I am comforted in the fact that they all made it though this time of their lives and became better and stronger for it and all I can pray is that I too will become better and stronger fromt the experiences that are waiting a head.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Not Enough

In the three weeks that we have been here on the Southwestern Baptist Theological Campus I have attended 3 classes for the Wife of the Equiping Minster classes. A course that is designed to help prepare the future minister's wife. I have also attended a Metochi meeting, and organization made up of student and staff wives. The purpose of this ministry is also to prepare and encourage wives of future ministers. I have also attended a Southwestern Women get together called the Chocolate Connection. A two hour mixer for just the women on campus that involved chocolate and caramel dipping sauces with a variety of goodies to snack on, all for the purpose for women to have a chance to get to know one another.
Through out the course of these women's gathering I have come to one conclusion: I am not enough.

I'm not cheerful enough.
I'm not perky enough.
I'm not spiritual enough.
I'm not educated enough.
I'm not put together enough.

My hair isn't good enough.
My make up use isn't enough.
My wardrobe is definately not enough.

I find myself having a very hard time connecting with anyone around me and I realized why. I'm just not what they are looking for. I'm trying really hard to find some way to fit in but I'm realizing I'm not from the same mold as most of these women. I feel like I am going to have to really change who I am to be able to make any true connections and that scares the living day lights out of me. The last think I want to do is lose myself in the effort of becoming the "pastor's wife". But the I find myself asking, "Is there really an option at this point?"